Candy Hearts

Sam Knupp, Opinions Contributor

The worst Valentine’s Day present you can get anyone is definitely those awful heart shaped candies with love messages on them.

You know the ones. The ones with messages like, “I love you,” “You are loved,” “XOXO,” and “Cutie Pie.”

Getting this for your grandkid says, “I don’t love you enough to get good candy.” Getting this for your partner says, “I have a strong feeling about you — and that feeling is apathy.”

The Valentine’s Day heart candies aren’t bad. They actually taste okay. But that’s something I’d expect from a fifth-grade teacher, not the love of my life.

If my girlfriend took the time to get me this candy … I’d honestly eat all of it. But it’s not because I’d love the gift. It would more likely come from a place of, “I’m craving something sweet, and we don’t have anything better in the apartment, so I’ll eat the Lil Wayne of candies.”

It was palatable in 2009. But now it doesn’t have much to bring to the table, and no one cares about it.

Some of you might be reading this thinking, “I’d like to know if there is an objective reason that I shouldn’t buy this.” No, there’s not. The candy is low in calories and not that high in sugar, but boy does its lack in flavor and character make you feel sad.

If this is all you get for your significant other, you might as well break up with them now because you presumably lack the mental fortitude to open your heart up and say something original to them.

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