The independent newspaper of the University of Iowa community since 1868

The Daily Iowan

The independent newspaper of the University of Iowa community since 1868

The Daily Iowan

The independent newspaper of the University of Iowa community since 1868

The Daily Iowan

Elliot: Steve Bannon and friends and no worries

Problems? What problems. We have standup comedian Henry Kissinger to tide us over. High tide, even.
President Donald Trump’s chief strategist Steve Bannon looks on as Trump announces Supreme Court nominee Judge Neil M. Gorsuch in the East Room of the White House in Washington, D.C., on Tuesday, Jan. 31, 2017. (Olivier Douliery/Abaca Press/TNS)

So you think we have problems.

Well, sure, there’s looming nuclear war with North Korea. That could be a problem, might even dwarf the wildfires in Northern California.

But nuke games with North Korea are merely looming. And that’s important to remember; it’s still just weaving. It’s not yet woven. Many a slip twixt the lip and the loom. Or maybe that’s lip and loon. Something. Shakespeare or somebody said it.

And, yeah, there’s maybe nuclear war with Iran. That might be concerning. But that’s way down the road, which is why Our Great Leader kicked the can down there.

Well, OK, technically, he kicked the can over to Congress in a neat crossbow, over/under footsie move. But that’s the same thing as kicking the can down the road, given that it’s Congress, whose name in the original Latin translates as slooooooooooow foooooooooood. Meaning Congress will nod, rocking back and forth a bit, sticking thumbs behind their suspenders, rocking, rocking, trying to remember their nom de gare, saying that’s a tough road to hoe. All that concrete.

Yeah, we know. Just wait till they try to hoe that. Well, they’re the ones who wanted to be Congress. They could have been the Downtown District or a fundraising arm of a university or something. Though you’re right. That actually takes some work.

And yes, we know, Steve Bannon has declared war on the GOP. Just the other day, as a matter of fact. That would be worrisome, except that he’s no longer in the White House, so, unlike North Korea, he no longer has access to nukes.

Of course, he does promise all kinds of primary battles for Republican incumbents next year, but who cares? They’re all Republicans. And, as Steven Law of the Senate Leadership Fund told NPR, one of Bannon’s hopefuls is “fresh out of the slammer for tax evasion” (generally a nonstarter for both GOP types and nonbelievers) and another is a billionaire who resides in Abu Dhabi.

As Law told NPR, wryly, we think (but then, we’re not the catcher in the wry), he could find no previous occasion in which Wyoming voters had elected someone from Abu Dhabi.

Of course, if we really had problems, we’d be worried about shaving. Males, anyway. In Tajikistan — or some neighborhood near there. Central Asia, it’s all just a steppe function.

Anyway, in Tajikistan, males must shave. Every morning. Or whenever. It’s an antiterrorist thing. And, apparently, facial hair on males is also anti-Tajik culture.

Luckily, for the moment anyway, we in the land of free speech are not encumbered by antiterrorist measures designed to ensure males are clean-shaven, so even stock brokers and hedge-fund gonzos are free to resemble hippies and baseball players. No, really.

Just don’t try any of that free-speech stuff around the national anthem. You’ll get sent to Guantánamo. Oh, and fired from your job.

But on the bright side, in Guantánamo, you won’t need a job.

Which is good, because then you’ll never have to worry about the tax cuts you’re never going to get. From what the Tax Policy Center can figure from the dribbles and drabs that have leaked out about the GOP tax cuts, 80 percent of the cuts will go to the top 1 percent.

It’s like that French guy says (they’re always saying something, usually in French): Plus ça change, c’est plus la même chose.

Luckily, we have famous standup comedian Henry Kissinger to tide us over. High tide, even:

“The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.”

He was joking about Watergate.

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