Elliot: Heckishness reigns and a man of the soil

’Tis the holiday season, or seasoning, which is why, probably, there’s an election that keeps on giving.


Beau Elliot, Copy Chief

Doc (?) Grammar:

To heck with politics (in keeping with President H.W. Bush civility), what about the Heisman vote?

Dear Question Mark:

Nice punctuation. Nice nod toward a return to civility in American life. (Though we do wonder exactly how civil it was to oppose the Civil Rights Act in the 1960s. Or use the “Willie Horton ad” in 1988. Or the “Change your behavior” reaction to the AIDs epidemic in the 1980s. Or the Iran/Contra pardons.)

But you’re right; to heck with politics. Except that politics has its fingers all over the Heisman vote — 86 didn’t have Tua on their ballots at all, and 73 omitted Murray. Or vice versa. That’s either crazy, or some voters played a bit of politics. It’s getting to sound a whole lot like Academy Award voting. If that’s what that is.

Frankly, we think Ted Williams should be the Heisman winner every year. At least until some Heisman hopeful can prove he can take a bat and hit a fastball into the Red Seat in Fenway. That’s much more difficult than some gunslinger shredding Big 12 “defenses.”

Grammar Schlock:

What’s the deal with North Carolina? Why can’t they stick to basketball, which they’re very good at? You know, shut up and dribble.

Dear Schlock & Awe:

Maybe you should talk to LeBron about that.

But we’ll give it a shot. (That’s something you do after you dribble for a while.) According to reports:

The Republican in the 9th District won the election by 905 votes. But. There seems to be a little problem with the mail-in votes in Bladen County (“This American Life” called its segment on this “Bladen Runner,” if you’re interested.) Seems the GOP candidate hired a company, which hired a Soil Conservation Board dude to dude something or other. One of which, it’s alleged, was to hire people to collect the mail-in ballots that had not yet been mailed in.

That might be illegal under Carolina law. And a curious thing occurred: Registered Republicans picked up 19 percent of the mail ballots, and the Republican candidate won 61 percent of the mail-in votes in the county.

The ballots, apparently, were either not filled in or were left unsealed. Hmm. You say. We, too. Not to be too suspicious or anything. Except, according to reports, that Soil Board dude had allegedly done something similar in the 2016 election and in the 2018 GOP primary (the current Republican candidate upset the Republican incumbent in that primary). Apparently, the Soil Board dude knows something about soil ballots.

So what can we surmise, if we were in the business of surmising. Well, Republicans were right — there was voting fraud going on. They had firsthand experience.

Engaging in it.

Doc Grammar:

It’s the holiday season, and often, it seems to be an inspiring time. But you are never very inspirational. Other writers inspire us to be our better selves. What say you?

Dear Inspired:

You’re right. But our inspirational sayings run to the famous bumper sticker “Visualize Whirled Peas.” So we might not be the right people to ask for inspiration. Just a notion. In a nation of notions.

But we’ll give it a whirled:

When life gives you yams, clam storms lurk on the horizon.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with one restroom stop.

Infinity is only in your mind. If you don’t mind, …