Elliot: Civilization crumbles on wings of irony butterflies

Is U.S. civilization crumbling, or shattering, or withering? And how would we know, exactly?


DI columnist Beau Elliot

Beau Elliot, Opinion Columnist

Ear Doc Grammar:

Communists in Congress. Terrorists and murderers at the gates of our borders. Is civilization crumbling? 

Dear That’s the Way the Cookie Crumbles:

“Ear”? Well, we guess you caught our ears. (They tend to wander off.) But it might be you need some work on that “D” key. Practice at home and all that.

Is civilization crumbling? Well, it would appear at first glance that a prerequisite to a civilization’s crumbling would be having a civilization in the first place.

But whatever. You’ll know this civilization (using your term) is crumbling when someone writes “real-life quidditch,” and people take it seriously.

Dear Doc Grammar:

Are you always so ironic about everything?

Dear Always Everything:

We’re not the slightest bit ironic. Least of all about everything. Take our love of jazz and hummus, for instance. (Though not together in a sandwich. Talk about yuckrony.)

In fact, our physician advises us we need more irony in our diet.

Take two ironies and call me in the morning is what she often says. But that’s just her sense of humor.

We think.

Dear Doc Grammar:

What’s going on with North Korea? Whatever happened with the Grand De-Nuking?

Dear Going On:

To steal a couple lines from Richard Nixon’s press secretary, the president knows what’s going on in North Korea.

That’s not to suggest anything is going on in North Korea.

Well. North Korea did mothball two older facilities associated with its nuke program. But it also renovated/opened two or so newer weapon-ish facilities, according to the experts who count these things at home so we don’t have to.

So it seems that the Grand De-Nuke deal that President Rump so grandiosely announced after the Singapore Summit was neither so grand nor a deal. The North Koreans believe the deal means the U.S. will cancel the sanctions and sign a peace treaty, and then, the North Koreans will start to de-nuke (ha-ha). The U.S. believes the exact opposite. Only without the ha-ha. We believe it’s called the art of the deal.

Dear Doc Grammar:

What about the Trump administration blaming radical environmental terrorists for the California wildfires?

Dear Radical Wildfires:

Of course radical environmental terrorists are behind the wildfires in California. It’s all a part of their macrobiotic plot. And we do mean macro.

Radical environmental terrorists are also responsible for creating the global-climate nonsense, outlawing “Merry Christmas,” and enabling Amazon to own everything in the world except the Zimbabwean Alpine ski resorts. And Yemen. (That Amazon would not be the river. Yet.)

Dear Doc Grammar:

What’s all this judicial foofaraw between Trump and Chief Justice John Roberts? Is it a constitutional crisis?

Dear Foofaraw:

Nice word. Given the times, it could be used all the time. Not to use the word “time” all the time.

The president knows what’s going on in North Korea. That’s not to suggest anything is going on in North Korea.

Depends on what you mean by “constitutional.” The word used to mean to go on a walk or hike (no, really). But the iconic Marbury v. Madison Supreme Court decision ruled that using “constitutional” in that sense was unconstitutional. Oddly, acting Attorney General and former Hawkeye Matthew Whitaker doesn’t believe in Marbury v. Madison. So we could all enjoy a constitutional crisis if the Trumpster decided to fire all the “Obama judges,” “Clinton judges,” and “George W. judges,” basically telling them to take a constitutional. We guess that would be a Trumpster fire.

Dear Doc Grammar:

Did you hear that on Thanksgiving, President Rump was most thankful for himself and his existence?

Dear Bordering on Not Thankful:

Quelle surprise. As we say in our country. Though not so loudly that red-blooded American patriots might hear us. There’s a good chance they’re carrying firearms.

Reminds us of the myth of Narcisus, who fell so in love with the reflection of himself in a pond that he fell in and drowned in his reflection.

Of course, that’s just a myth. So much is these days.