Elliot: How good news imitates life (life is somewhere)

The good news is an 11-year-old can hack the Florida vote. The bad news is ha-ha-ha, the Florida vote again.


DI columnist Beau Elliot

Beau Elliot, Copy Editor

And now for today’s good news:

A 500-pound laser-guided bomb fired off by Saudi coalition forces recently wiped out a school bus full of dozens of children in Yemen, CNN and 538’ s SigDigs report.

The bomb was made by Lockheed Martin and sold, under State Department auspices, to Saudi Arabia. The Obama administration had nixed such sales of precision-guided weaponry to Saudi Arabia, but the current administration overturned the ban. Get rid of anything Obama is its motto, and it’s sticking with it. Like a fly on flypaper.

But hey, it’s good to see the current administration is working to nip terrorism in the bud, because who knows what those schoolchildren would have grown up to be. Ya know?

And by the way.

The Saudi coalition forces took responsibility for the bombing, claiming it had bad info (or rotten intelligence, which is some kind of West Wingy thingy).

That’s the great thing about “smart weaponry.” Human beings fire them.

Well, hmm. That’s not such good news.

In Europe this summer, the heat wave has been severe to the point of people contemplating Dante’s rings. Several European nuclear reactors have had to shut down: The river water they use to cool the reactor cores is too hot to cool sweaty Chicago fat-guy softball teams, let alone reactor cores.

Talk about your Vestibule of the Futile.

Hmm. Not such good news.

How about Kevin Spacey? His new movie, Billionaire Boys Club (no, really), opened recently. Great fanfare, etc.

It made $126 at the box office. (via The Hollywood Reporter)

There’s that Vestibule again.

Still not your cup of box-office poison? How about: It turns out, civilization is built on sand.

Yep. It’s true. And it has the bonus of demonstrating the evolution of Jeff Sessions. Not that he would ever use that word.

(OK, OK. I apologize for using the words “evolution” and “Jeff Sessions” in the same sentence. I don’t know what got into me, outside of hydrocarbon-sautéed air.)

That, by the way, would be human civilization, if you’re keeping score at home.

Be careful when carrying the zero during your attempt to delve into the depths of long division while keeping score at home. Carrying the zero so befuddled the Roman civilization that the Romans never included zero in their mathematics.

This would in no way concern us today except that, because of the dearth of zero in the Roman numeral system, so many millions of Americans can’t figure out when a decade, a century, a millennium, begins or ends. This inexorably leads to their also not being able to figure out the price of gasoline in Canada, which is one of the reasons that Canadians have accumulated so many thousands of dumb-American jokes.

“Two Americans walk into a Canadian gas station.” Already, 25 million Canadians from the Maritimes to Vancouver Island are rolling about in flannel laughter.

(But only because it’s already flannel season up there in the wilds of the Baja Arctic.)

Still not good enough for you? Rough crowd.

How about Emmett Brewer, who is all of 11 but soon will be all of some different age. If he already isn’t.

Seems that Emmett zapped into the DEFCON gathering recently, took a gander at the election website of Florida (or a reasonable facsimile thereof), and hacked it in under 10 minutes.

Yeah, 11 years old. Yeah, under 10 minutes. Oh, and he changed the result of the voting.

Somewhere, Emmett, there’s an NSA looking for you. If not a Russian spy agency, too.

So where’s the good news? you say. Hey, I saved 15 percent on my car insurance.

Now, if I only had a car.

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