Elliot: Trump masquerades as Time Person of the Year

You can’t go home again, the skeptics say. Well, hah.


The Daily Iowan; Photos by Josep

FILE – President-Elect Donald J. Trump and Vice President-Elect Mike Pence shake hands during an event in Des Moines on Thursday, Dec. 8, 2016. Trump and Pence are completing a Thank You tour across the country. (The Daily Iowan/Joseph Cress)

Beau Elliot, [email protected]

So, welcome back and all that good stuff (or stuffing). We missed you. No, really.

For one thing, it means we don’t have to give any more impromptu campus tours. (That big whooshing sound you just heard was the university staff breathing a sigh of relief.)

Well, you know, it was hiatus time, time, time, and most of the students were long-gone-nation, so civilians figured it was safe to venture on campus. (Ha-ha.) So somebody had to show them the ropes. (Did you know that one of the ropes in Macbride was used by Teddy Roosevelt in his initial exploration of Yellowstone? Neither did we, till we said so.)

In general, civilians tend to creep onto campus warily, as if a real, live college student might suddenly leap out of the bushes at any second. We assure them that the Suddenly-leaping-out-of-the-bushes-at-any-second Season takes place only in September. November is Wash-that-Hawkeye-football-taste-out-of-our-mouths Season. Wash, rinse, repeat.

They still seem skeptical, if not outright nervous, so we note that we haven’t had any reports of cannibalism in nearly two weeks. Dorm food gets old, you know.

Luckily, we don’t have to hold impromptu campus tours anymore. So we can turn our admittedly limited attention to more important matters.

Such as the Time Person of the Year.

We know — well, we think; well, we guess — that you’re a lot like us and simply can’t wait for Time to name the ultra-important Person of the Year. Talk about bated breath. Which has nothing to do with the Bates Motel.

(We think. Which means we exist. We think. It gets confusing.)

The Person of the Year is important because December is Masquerade Season, and Time’s Person on the Cover sets the tone for the Masquerade Balls. Last year, after Our Great Leader graced the Time cover as the Person, a lot of people masqueraded in white sheets. With hoods. It was quite the novelty.

This year, there seems to be a touch of controversy about the Person of the Year because Our Great Leader allowed it to be known that he would be the Person for the second-consecutive year. Unheard of.

But unfortunately, the Leader also allowed it to be known he couldn’t be the Person this year because he didn’t have time for all the magazine trappings: the photo shoot, for instance, and all the whatnot that accompanies being Person of the Year.

But Time said no, that wasn’t so. Time said it never reveals the identity of the Person of the Year until the much-anticipated Cover is published.

Typical magazine claptrap and fake news. No wonder it’s being sold. The Koch Brothers will straighten that mess out.

Our Great Leader would never lie except in cases of national security. Naturally.

Of course, there are always skeptics saying things such as, lately, it seems national security is going around like the flu.

Fake news. We know when fake is fake and when fake is real.

We know Our Great Leader has set the record for most Time Covers. And we know when he is too busy with the affairs of state for this year’s Cover.

Hah, the skeptics scoff, because that’s what they’re good at. Affairs of state, that’s rich, given his history. Accent on “his.” And those Covers? His empire printed them up to hang on the walls of his resorts. They’re all fake.

But we know what is fake. And we know who will set the tone for this year’s Masquerade Balls.

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