They’re going to have Pork Roll uniforms and everything.
Beau Elliot
In an attempt to win Olympic gold medals, Russia employed a massive program of providing athletes with PEDs. In an attempt to win Olympic gold medals, the United States employed a program of horrific abuse of young gymnasts.
Nice world, huh? Maybe the International Olympic Committee could add another medal, the Medal of National Disgrace. It wouldn’t do much, if anything, but some days, futile gestures are better than nothing.
Maybe in some parallel universe, things (or whatever) are better. Though I did get an email the other day from Parallel Universe XJI1066yK2 (such romantic names they have) warning me not to visit, because things are even worse there.
For one thing, everyone drives on the wrong side of the road, à la Britain, except the Americans keep spacing out and driving on the other wrong side of the road, causing myriad accidents and a metric ton of road rage (everything is on the metric system, even road rage). Also, the national dish is boiled kidney, which is served three times a week (rain or shine). And ISIS is a traveling band of awful poets. Not necessarily dangerous, but some people have been known to be bored to death after three or so hours of rotgut verse. The president for life is Ross Perot, who makes Our Great Leader seem like a Stable Genius. He keeps wandering around the castle, including the castle keep, babbling about the rotten-to-the core FBI that is in tatters and is mounting a giant conspiracy against him. No word yet on how a rotten, in tatters FBI can mount a giant conspiracy.
Speaking of Stable Geniuses, ours seems to be wandering around the castle, including the castle keep, babbling about the rotten-to-the core FBI that is in tatters and is mounting a giant conspiracy against him.
Did you ever wonder what kind of horses our Genius keeps in his Stable? And if they’re all still there?
Meanwhile, Iowa Public Radio is searching for a professional fundraiser. I suggest Paul Manafort. He’s experienced in funds, and raising them, and I hear he’s looking for some new vistas. On the downside, he was born on April Fools’ Day.
And speaking of studs in the stable, the New York Yankees — yes, those New York Yankees, the Bash Battalion. Pretty much every player in the lineup should be good for 30 or 40 home runs. Or, what the hey, more; I mean, why stop at a meager 30 or 40? That’s thinking small ball. Forget games with football scores. The Yankees are thinking games with NBA scores.
A small disclaimer: Every player in the Yankee lineup should be good for several dozen dingers except for the second baseman and the third baseman. But that’s only because the Yankees don’t have a second baseman or third baseman. Yet.
Of course, the Yankees will be good enough that they probably won’t need a second baseman or third baseman. They could play without the two, and most likely nobody on opposing teams would notice until sometime after the All-Star break. When it would be too late.
Not everything about the Yankees is whack, whack, whack. Some of it is just whacky (or wacky, if you insist).
The Yankee AA minor league team, the Trenton Thunder, has decided to honor New Jersey’s favorite processed meat and rename itself for Friday night games. So, on those Fridays, the team will be known as the Trenton Pork Rolls.
No, really. They’re going to have Pork Roll uniforms and everything. And when the Pork Rolls score a run, it’ll give a whole new meaning to “bringing home the bacon.”
Of course, some cynics are going to say (or I’ll say it for them) that the Pork Roll name is not to honor New Jersey’s favorite processed meat, it’s to honor New Jersey politicians’ favorite governing philosophy.
Hmm. In New York, they’d like to sell you a bridge. In Jersey, they’d like to close it for you.
