Let’s make one thing clear: I love pizza. I eat pizza multiple times a week. I’ve worked in pizza kitchens for years. When I decided to go vegan last year, I let myself consume a single animal product: cheese — when it’s on pizza.

Another thing to clarify is that ranch — that quintessentially Midwestern condiment — is not always wrong to have on pizza. There are some less conventional toppings and combinations that are supremely complimented by the thick, buttermilk dressing, such as chicken and bacon or spicy buffalo sauce. 

What I don’t understand is the need to dunk every slice of pie in the stuff.

The standard cheese pizza, with a regular crust and traditional tomato sauce, doesn’t need the help. The extra dairy is unneeded in the face of such simple, balanced perfection. The same thing could be said about other basic one-toppings or veggie-based recipes.

Again, if you really need to add that über-creamy sauce to your pizza, this is America, you’re free to do what you want (especially with food). But just because it’s physically possible, that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

Instead of simply dumping ranch on absolutely everything (something the internet tells me every Midwesterner does), we should show restraint as to which dishes we add the sauce. Perhaps that a mark against my Midwesternness, but I’d rather have a good pizza than one unnecessarily ruined by being slathered in ranch.