On Monday, as the United States found itself firmly removed from the glory days on Monday, both Joe Biden and Paul Ryan found themselves in Iowa.

Though the odds of an off-the-cuff remark were through the roof, to the dismay of late-night hosts everywhere, neither Joe Biden nor Paul Ryan supplied monologue material.

Both men aren’t only on short leashes, but bound by muzzles and shock collars as well. For good reason, too: Their gaffes have a knack for de-pantsing their respective parties’ politics, allowing voters to catch the dressed down version of their respective parties. The Democrats just happen to look a whole lot better with their pants down.

Ryan’s palatable lies — like his claim to a sub-three-hour marathon — unwittingly land on mocking ears, like the host of “The Daily Show.”

The Republicans, like Ryan, are selling America on cute and cuddly lies. Sure, only a select handful of people will ever be considered 1-percenters, but it’s a whole lot easier to market middle class self-mutilation when you allude that everyone will be stocking money in off-shore bank accounts in no time.

Biden, on the other hand, finds himself in the headlines for abrasive truths, such as when he told “Meet The Press” he was “absolutely comfortable” with same-sex marriage. Biden’s comfort forced the president out of his own comfort zone and spurred him to officially support same-sex marriage.

The Democrats seem to play the responsible parents who understand you can’t have ice cream for dinner every night. They’re uncomfortably stuck trying to explain why there will be no unicorn for Christmas. Their prickly platform is a buzz kill, but is the healthiest for the country.

So, as America finds itself in the downward spiral from big man on campus to gym teacher, what are we going to do? Continue reliving the glory days until our beer-gut becomes a permanent accessory or face the sobering facts and start shedding some pounds?

One doesn’t need to look any further than each party’s VP choices to discover the party’s plans.