Elliot: Beating the Arctic with a wall

Why not build a wall on the northern border to keep out illegal Arctic wind immigrants?



Military Police keep watch near the Mexico border as President Donald Trump takes a tour of the border wall prototypes near the Otay Mesa Port of Entry in San Diego County, Calif., on March 13, 2018. (K.C. Alfred/San Diego Union-Tribune/TNS)

Beau Elliot, Opinions Columnist


I heard you were leaving. How come you’re still around?

Dear Not Left:

Better to be around than to be a square, as they say in some circles.

We were contemplating a winter vacation, as one does in the depths of January, when winter is a dull glaze on a clear mind. We were going to visit northern Saskatchewan, figuring that after a week or so up there, Iowa would seem balmy and spring-like. It’s a mind trick that requires no Zen whatsoever. Or common sense, probably.

But, as life so often works out, Mother Nature said: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Mother Nature loves to laugh. At us. And, so, the Arctic Circle kindly moved in here and turned the Paris of the Prairie into the Point Barrow of the Prairie.

So here we are, huddled in a North Face sleeping bag (good to minus-40, which might not be enough) and drinking up the world’s supply of hot cocoa. And listening to radio report closings right and left. Maybe in the center, too. In Michigan, the state decided to close all nonessential government operations. Including the State Capitol.

Which tells you how much Michiganers (we think ther’s such an animal, or vegetable, or mineral) value their government. Maybe any government.


This cold snap is all the fault of illegal immigrants. You liberals have to put an end to your wide-open-border policy or who knows what chaos will occur.

Dear Mania-finder:

You’re right. Dig deep into anything that goes wrong, and you’ll find illegal immigrants at fault. Including an Arctic deep freeze.

Package that into a slogan, and you could be elected president. Someone has.

Of course, it could be that illegal immigrants aren’t at the bottom of everything, including your vastly annoying cousin. It could be robots.

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Dear Robot-phobic:

What do you against robots? What have they ever done to you?

Dear Phobia-guard:

We have nothing against robots. Some of our best friends are robots.

Well, OK, we’ve never actually met a robot. Outside of a random right-winger here, a random right-winger there.

We will note, without a shade of schadenfreude, that the famous (or infamous) robot hotel in Japan recently “fired” half the robots and replaced them with real, live humans. (Not human beans. Or lima beans. Or green peas.) Turns out, the robots weren’t up to the task of running a hotel. And all this time, we thought humans weren’t up to the task of running a hotel.


Do you wear Dockers?

Dear Dreamland:

What are Dockers? Seems to be a gap in our education. (Don’t tell anyone.)

Dear Gapper:

But what are you going to do about illegal immigrants? You keep dodging the question, not to mention the Wall.

Dear Wall:

Pretty easy to dodge a wall. We thought the German Army proved that in World War II be dodging the Maginot wall (technically, the Maginot line). We guess we could ask the French how they feel about a wall and illegal immigrants. (Well, invading army, but how much more illegal can immigrants be?)

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Or we could ask Native Americans how they feel about illegal immigrants.

Or we could ask the chief Trumpster how he feels about illegal immigrants. Oh, we know what he says in public or on Twitter. But, according to reports, his business empire has been involved in hiring such immigrants. Then firing them when the practice comes to light.

But, details, details. Build the Wall. Nothing much will change but the symbolism. And the symbolism screams, Make America White Again.

That train left the station long ago.