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Elliot: Yo, Doc Gram: What’s up with Voice of the Hawkeyes Gary Dolphin and the voiceless Hawkeyes?

Apparently, if you don’t don a skimpy cheerleader skirt and spend all of your waking (and sleeping) hours going Rah Rah Rah for the Hawkeyes, you’re not a true Hawkeye radio announcer. And you (and all your molecules) should be exiled to Nebraska.

Veteran+voice+of+the+Hawkeyes+Gary+Dolphin+speaks+with+Iowa+linebackers+coach+Seth+Wallace+during+Iowa+football+media+day+on+Saturday%2C+Aug.+5%2C+2017.+The+Hawkeyes+will+play+open+up+non-conference+play+against+Wyoming+at+11+a.m.+%28CT%29+on+Saturday%2C+Sept.+2.+
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Elliot: Yo, Doc Gram: What’s up with Voice of the Hawkeyes Gary Dolphin and the voiceless Hawkeyes?

Veteran voice of the Hawkeyes Gary Dolphin speaks with Iowa linebackers coach Seth Wallace during Iowa football media day on Saturday, Aug. 5, 2017. The Hawkeyes will play open up non-conference play against Wyoming at 11 a.m. (CT) on Saturday, Sept. 2.

Veteran voice of the Hawkeyes Gary Dolphin speaks with Iowa linebackers coach Seth Wallace during Iowa football media day on Saturday, Aug. 5, 2017. The Hawkeyes will play open up non-conference play against Wyoming at 11 a.m. (CT) on Saturday, Sept. 2.

Joseph Cress

Veteran voice of the Hawkeyes Gary Dolphin speaks with Iowa linebackers coach Seth Wallace during Iowa football media day on Saturday, Aug. 5, 2017. The Hawkeyes will play open up non-conference play against Wyoming at 11 a.m. (CT) on Saturday, Sept. 2.

Joseph Cress

Joseph Cress

Veteran voice of the Hawkeyes Gary Dolphin speaks with Iowa linebackers coach Seth Wallace during Iowa football media day on Saturday, Aug. 5, 2017. The Hawkeyes will play open up non-conference play against Wyoming at 11 a.m. (CT) on Saturday, Sept. 2.

Beau Elliot, Opinion Columnist

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Yo, Doc Gram:

What’s up with Voice of the Hawkeyes Gary Dolphin and the voiceless Hawkeyes?

Yo, Yo:

(Apologies to the great cellist.)

Apparently, if you don’t don a skimpy cheerleader skirt and spend all of your waking (and sleeping) hours going Rah Rah Rah for the Hawkeyes, you’re not a true Hawkeye radio announcer. And you (and all your molecules) should be exiled to Nebraska.

Not that we support exiling anyone’s molecules to Nebraska. Nebraskans don’t know about molecules yet, so far as anyone can tell.

And yes, we have used that line before. We figure it’s safe to steal from ourselves, because we’re not very likely to sue ourselves.

Though, given these days, who knows?

Maybe the molecules in our feet will sue the molecules in our hands for tying the shoelaces too tight last Wednesday.

RELATED: Elliot: Welcome to You-Dope-iya

Do you suppose the molecules in our brain would be the Supreme Court? Would the molecules of Kavanaugh somehow worm their way in there?

Man, if that happens, the molecules in our feet are going to be some screwed molecu—.

Doc Grammar, Esq.:

What’s your typical liberal naysayer perspective on the college-football bowl season? And does it ruin Christmas?

Dear Esquiring Mind:

Real liberals want college football banned, along with “cute” kitten memes, text messaging, and Christmas presents not involving lumps of coal. So bowl season? Lots of gutter balls out there.

Ruin Christmas? Hasn’t capitalism already done that? Some thousands of years ago (in human time, not cockroach time), around the time of the advent of cricket? It was brilliant on the part of capitalism to invent cricket so that pretty much everyone dozed off doing “matches” and didn’t notice that capitalism had invaded and occupied Christmas. Also brilliant was capitalism retaining the name “Christmas” as opposed to “Capitalism-mass,” which some early capitalism radicals had proposed.

We guess that those early capitalism radicals failed to make their marks.

Hello, Doc Grammar:

Do you believe in the butterfly theory of the universe?

Dear Flutterby:

Well, yes, if you mean that in the sense of well, something has to play defense for the Patriots, because the Patriots certainly don’t.

Well, no, if you mean two butterflies accidentally collide off the west coast of Africa because one was text-messaging and driving, thus creating a major storm after which a reality-TV semi-star becomes president of the U.S. and outlaws the existence of butterflies in the country. And anyone who believes in butterflies.

Of course, no one would ever believe that could happen. So it was probably fake news. And anyway, so far as we know, butter can’t fly.

Docish Grammarish:

When is this country going to get off its lazy haunches and throw Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller in prison for treason? This witch-hunt has been going on for most of my life.

Dear Call Me Ish-mail:

Well, we have a tradition in this country, more or less, of not throwing prosecutors in prison in order to halt their investigations. Especially without a trial first. That seems to be too much like the actions of dictatorial thugs in banana republics “quieting” their critics by tossing them in dungeons. Sans dragons. At least, we think there are no dragons.

Witch-hunt? For a real witch-hunt, you have to go to Salem, Massachusetts. You’ll have to avoid the Patriots’ defense along the way, but that shouldn’t be a problem. For most of your life? During the GOP-sparked Whitewater investigation into President Clinton, people who entered kindergarten at the beginning of the investigation were entering college by the end. Inventing the atom bomb took less time.

So don’t sweat the split infinitive. Unless the Mueller investigation re-invents the atom bomb.

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