Dear Doc Grammar:

What about those elections? Were they great or what?

Dear Life on Hold:

What.

So we had an election, and that was fun — so much fun that some places are still having elections.

Florida comes to mind, but then, Florida has a history of having so much fun with elections that they go on for days. And days. And daze.

Also, Arizona decided to go into extra innings. Maybe it was something about the D-Backs not making the postseason and not getting to play an 18-inning game, like the Red Sox and Dodgers. Maybe not. You never know with human beings. That’s what makes them so interesting.

Then there’s Georgia, where they’re tussling over whether to count all the votes or just the ones for the Republican governor candidate. It’s Georgia.

The Republican governor candidate was also the state official in charge of running elections, so you’d be forgiven for thinking that Georgia acts as though it’s still part of the Soviet Union.

Dear Doc Grammar:

You mean Georgia is not still part of the Soviet Union?

Dear Knot:

Thanks for the comic relief. The starters were getting fatigued. See the World Series.

Dear Doc Grammar:

All politics aside, what are your feelings about Zorro?

Dear Zorro:

To which side should we put politics? And wasn’t Zorro supposed to be some hero of the people against some Central American evil landowner or governor or something? And because it was all Disney or something, Zorro was played by some random gringo? And because the U.S. supported right-wing rulers in Central America because they were anti-communist, Zorro always turned out to be the president’s son in disguise?

We might be mixing up Zorro with real life. It happens. That’s not so bad as mixing up Hawkeye football with real life.

Of course, there are some wags who contend you can’t really mix up Hawkeye football, because the Hawkeyes have done a pretty fine job of mixing up football all by themselves.

Dear Doc Grammar:

Can we as a people govern ourselves?

Dear Guv:

In a word, the Brothers Koch don’t think so. They could give you a billion or so reasons.

(Yes, we realize that was more than “a word.” When people say “in a word” these days, they’re literally being figurative.)

Dear Doc Grammar:

Do mass killers deserve to have funerals?

Dear Deserving:

Hmm. That one probably takes a Jesuit to answer. We have searched our souls, and we didn’t find a single strand of Jesuit DNA.

We are going to guess that popular opinion would say no. Except, of course, if the mass killer’s name is Saudi Arabia. And the mass killer’s victims are named Yemenis.

Dear Doc Grammar:

What is your feeling about Descartes and his famous dictum? Does it still apply?

Dear Dictum:

What’s with all the Jesuit-like questions? We keep looking for Jesuit-like in our favorite grocery store’s beer cooler, but we can’t find it.

We think (therefore we sweet potato) that Descartes was a darn good writer when he covered Hawkeye football, but once he wandered into branding theory, he got all mixed up. (That’s the second time the phrases “mixed up” and “Hawkeye football” have occurred in the same sentence. Maybe it’s a pandemic.) 

Dear Doc Grammar:

What are your real, true feelings about the election?

Dear Real, True:

We wonder if there could be real, false feelings. Just given the times.

The man with the cauliflower mind is quite proud of his efforts to elect Republicans. Albeit in deeply red states with Senate elections. And he probably did help some (to the tune of one or two Senate seats). But not quite to the point of being bestest, greatestest, victory-est ever, as he put it. Or words to that effect. In whatever language.

Our basic thought about elections, and life in general, goes:

Love means never having to say you’re Zorro.

What is your feeling about Descartes and his famous dictum? Does it still apply?

Dear Dictum:

What’s with all the Jesuit-like questions? We keep looking for Jesuit-like in our favorite grocery store’s beer cooler, but we can’t find it.

We think (therefore we sweet potato) that Descartes was a darn good writer when he covered Hawkeye football, but once he wandered into branding theory, he got all mixed up. (That’s the second time the phrases “mixed up” and “Hawkeye football” have occurred in the same sentence. Maybe it’s a pandemic.) 

Dear Doc Grammar:

What are your real, true feelings about the election?

Dear Real, True:

We wonder if there could be real, false feelings. Just given the times.

The man with the cauliflower mind is quite proud of his efforts to elect Republicans. Albeit in deeply red states with Senate elections. And he probably did help some (to the tune of one or two Senate seats). But not quite to the point of being bestest, greatestest, victory-est ever, as he put it. Or words to that effect. In whatever language.

Our basic thought about elections, and life in general, goes:

Love means never having to say you’re Zorro.