Elliot: Cartoon Nation finds a home

You have to admit, whatever your political position on the Space Station (up in the air?), a 2-mm hole in space is not the best idea humans have ever come up with.



Troops march during a military parade marking the 70th anniversary of the foundation of North Korea in Pyongyang, North Korea on Sunday, Sept. 9, 2018. (Alexander Demianchuk/Tass/Abaca Press/TNS)

Beau Elliot, Opinion Columnist

Sometimes, when life seems to imitate a cartoon, it’s because life is a cartoon.

Stick figures in a 2-D environment. Yep. Check that. Generation Launch-Angle (to steal a phrase from Buster Olney) at full-bore.

And so we see that North Korea is celebrating its 70th anniversary. Sans ICBMs this parade around.

Well, good for them. Well, except for journalists, who, NPR reports, can be imprisoned for five years or until the cows come home (North Korea will vault into the 17th century and get some cows soon) for “distorting the reality” of the People’s Republic of North Korea.

Not to distort anyone’s cherished reality, but North Korea is celebrating what? Seventy years of large swaths of the populace eating large swaths of grass?

Meanwhile, the International Space Station has a leak. Or had.

Or maybe it wasn’t a leak. The Space Station did discover it had a 2-mm hole (apparently in the Soyuz taxi) that could have leaked. You have to admit, whatever your political position on the Space Station (up in the air?), a 2-mm hole in space is not the best idea humans have ever come up with. At least since stumbling into agriculture and the wheel.

It turns out, at least from some reports, that the hole might have come from workers on the ground assembling the Soyuz. You know, classic elegant Russian workmanship. As in. Oops, Ivan, you drilled that hole in the wrong spot. Ah, hole, schmole. Let the cosmonauts play whack-a-hole.

And the Grand Buffoon thinks he has a leak problem.

Well, Political Storm Anonymous (along with tidbits from Bob Woodward’s new book) did blow into D.C. last week and roiled spirits everywhere, it seems. Anonymous, rhymes with Hieronymus (as in Bosch).

The results of the storm were entirely predictable, especially when they were unpredictable. Life is a cartoon and nowhere more so than in the West Wing.

So it turns out that the Looney Tunes in Chief is a loose cannon careening around on deck, though it’s not a full deck. Many casualties. (Although mixed metaphors seemed to sail through unscathed.)

“What’s this I hear about Russia and China holding the biggest war games ever?” the Grand Buffoon roars. “We’ll hold the biggest war games ever seen in history. With South Korea. That’s close to Russia and China, isn’t it?”

“Yes but no, Mr. Buffoon,” one of the Prince Valiants says. “You canceled our military exercises with the South Koreans two months ago.”

“I know — we’ll take pictures of a U.S. Army war games and fix them so it looks bigger than the whole Chinese army,” the Grand Buffoon says.

“We did that with the inauguration photos, Mr. Buffoon,” another Prince Valiant says. “Everybody found out almost immediately.”

“How about we whack Assad while the Russians are busy playing soldier 1,000 miles away,” the Buffoon says. “A quick surgical air strike. Quick surgical strikes always worked in the New York real estate business, if you know what I mean.”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Buffoon,” another Prince Valiant says. “But there are still hundreds of Russian war planes around Damascus, so we might start World War III.”

“We can beat them in World War III,” the Buffoon says. “We’ve got the biggest, best military in the history of the world. Bring it on, Ivan.”

“Yes, sir, Mr. Buffoon,” a Prince Valiant says. “But starting World War III might cause the Republicans to lose the midterms.”

“Oh. We can’t have that,” the Buffoon says. “The Democrats winning would be worse than the Russians winning.”

So I’m going back to this great new game involving cosmonauts. It’s called Whack-a-Hole. Great launch angles.