“I’m the least racist person you will ever interview.” — The Trumpster to reporters on Sunday while entering Trump International Golf Course.

Well, of course he’s not a racist.

And all of our rivers run clean, and all of our lakes are pristine, and our air is as pure as a Disney movie, and there’s no such thing as a dead zone in the Gulf of Mexico, and global climate change is a hoax stir-fried in a Chinese wok, and all the American jobs that slunk overseas are racing home to be cuddled in real American arms, the kind, gentle embrace of free-market capitalism, and if you clap for Tinkerbell, she will live.

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Well. What a kind, gentle universe we live in. Probably neutron-star collisions are a hoax, too. And killer radiation, while we’re at it.

And black holes. Which we know about without knowing about. Why are there no white holes? the Trumpster muses, perhaps between putts. That sounds discriminatory. We should have white holes, too.

He’s apparently some kind of expert on holes.

And he’s apparently some kind of expert on racism. Which he knows about without knowing about.

Just look at his history. Say, as far back as Jan. 11, when he worried aloud, and angrily, that the United States was getting too many immigrants and refugees from Haiti, and El Salvador, and Africa and not enough immigrants and refugees from Norway.

He apparently (well, not yet) did not go so far as to create a federal commission to probe what’s up with the immigrants and refugees from Norway.

Well, if anyone, or thing, could discover what’s happening with all the Norwegian refugees, a federal commission could. Just look at the huge success his last federal commission enjoyed, the one that probed massive voter fraud in the United States. (Though the panel somehow missed the voter suppression aimed at black and brown minorities. Maybe there was a whiteout that day.)

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We could go all the way back to last month, when he, using his racism expertise, assured us that Nigerians live in huts. Or a few years ago, when he led the “birther” movement, that grand band of patriots that knew Barack Obama could not be president because he was born in Africa, not the United States.

You remember that one. Obama had to release his birth certificate, which showed he was born in Honolulu. Well, that’s pretty close to Africa, the birthers said.

Apparently, the Trumpster’s racism expertise still rankles him from time to time, because he reportedly tells aides that the Obama birth certificate is not authentic. Behind closed doors. National security, you know.

Of course, there was that unfortunate incident in the 1980s when the Trumpster called for the death penalty for four black and one Latino teenagers who had allegedly assaulted and raped a white woman jogger in Central Park. Only, it turned out, some years and prison sentences later, that they didn’t do it. But the Trumpster was young then, only 43 or something, and just trying out his racism expertise. It could have happened to any expert.

And there was that time in the early 1970s when the Justice Department brought a case against the Trumpster’s New York City housing developments, alleging racial discrimination in his renting practices. After two years, he reached a settlement in which he admitted no guilt. And he was only 27; he didn’t even know what “black” or Puerto Rican meant. It takes awhile to become an expert on racism.

A long while.

And he will get to the bottom of the Norwegian-refugee crisis.