A screaming comes across the sky like Pynchon‘s rockets and into the dimly lit consciousness of the email universe at dawn. It’s a headline: 

“Study: Fear of Ebola Highest Among People Who Did Not Pay Attention During Math and Science Classes.”

Well, that figures.

Of course, in the land of Kombucha Mothers, pretty much anything figures.

Then the eyes slide down to the line under the “Study: Fear” headline: by Andy Borowitz.

Well, that does figure. Borowitz is the resident satirical genius at the New Yorker with a rich imagination and a ready source (if not the mother lode) of material for a satirist: Americans and the politicians they vote for. 

The thing about Borowitz’s “Ebola study” is, it was entirely believable. But then, this is a nation stoked on Kombucha Mothers.

What’s with all this kombucha? you wonder. I don’t know, but the “health” fad seems to be sweeping the country.

Take this scene at a local neighborhood grocery store.

“Don’t shake the kombucha bottle,” says the worker at the register to a customer shaking the kombucha bottle.

“I think I accidently killed my Kombucha Mother,” says another worker.

“I accidently killed my Kombucha Mother last summer,” says yet another worker.

“My Kombucha Mother made me an orphan,” says a local wag. 

Well, it’s probably good kombucha is sweeping the nation, because this country had a lot of corners filled with cobwebs and dust that were desperately crying out to be swept, and that astonished a lot people who didn’t realize corners had voices. They’re the same people who didn’t pay attention in math and science classes.

They’re probably the same people responsible for Joni Ernst’s popularity. I mean, Ernst did famously say she didn’t understand the science behind climate change. At least she recognized that there’s something called science. Well, that’s something, because there’s also this Ernst:

Who knew? Our freedom depends on Ernst, who opposes women’s choice? Talk about defending freedom.

But the Ernst ad was talking about guns, which, of course, are far more important than women and their control over their bodies. I mean, guns made America what it is, not women and their bodies.

All real Americans know that.

Those who don’t are not real Americans; they’re some kind of liberal-pinko-gay-loving freaks who want the return of the Soviet Union (you go, Vlady the Putin) and don’t believe in the American way. Probably hate apple pie and mothers, too. The NSA should look into this.

(Don’t be silly; the NSA already has looked into this.)

It’s no secret that Ernst understands the “science” behind guns, because she loves them so much. No, really. In her own words, because why put words in her mouth when she’s so good at that:

“I have a beautiful little Smith & Wesson, 9 millimeter, and it goes with me virtually everywhere,” Ernst said. “… I believe in the right to defend myself … from the government, should they decide that my rights are no longer important.”

Um, yeah. I wonder if she gets to carry her “beautiful little Smith & Wesson” when she stumps the UI campus. Just wondering.

Of course, I also wonder if chomping on ostrich lips will be the next hot new health fad.