So, of course, President Obama is responsible for the Ebola outbreak that’s rapidly becoming a pandemic near you, because, you know, he’s actually an African and wants to kill you.

Probably secretly a Muslim, too. No wonder he backs ISIS taking over the entire globe. (Even though it’s actually not a globe but kind of a mushy pear — which brings us to pear pressure, but never mind because we’ve got important things on the mind. Not to use the word “mind” twice in once sentence, because that sounds like something that would happen in the Soviet Union.)

Even the first lady doesn’t know, because, you know, Michelle is cool.

The secrets men keep from women. Obama is probably one of those kiddie-porn guys. Yeesh. You know the type. Secret Muslims. Hiding the truth from their wives. Desiring to destroy America. You know the type. Kiddie porn. Ebola. ISIS. Yeesh. No wonder the Soviet Union invaded Ukraine.

Masquerading as mere Russia and mere Putin, of course. I am merely a trade-unionist’s son, Vlady the Putin exclaims. (Well, OK, actually his father was a submariner in the Soviet Navy.)

Obama’s fault, of course. Creating Ebola wasn’t enough for him, the egomaniac. He gave away Ukraine to the Soviet Union, too. Is nothing too much for him?

It’s all part of the Ebola plot. What isn’t?

Sen. John McCain, the fair (using the word advisedly) Republican from Arizona, has, along with many other Republicans, has been screaming for (OK, boisterously calling for) Obama to appoint an Ebola czar to somehow rid us of this disease.

Well, let’s see. Czars ruled Russia for several hundred years, which eventually led (Marxists would say inevitably, but sometimes I would say I don’t quite believe Groucho, even though he seems to be right most of the time) to Lenin and Stalin.

So, yeah, sure, the United States should have an Ebola czar. I mean, the drug czars appointed by various presidents have done bang-up jobs, and that’s why there’s no drug problem at all in the United States today (outside of “Breaking Bad,” which, as I understand, lit it up and then lit out for further nebulae [sorry, Apollinaire]).

What’s curious is how political Ebola has become. Yeah, I know — how does a disease become political? Says something about our times, I guess.

But Francis Collins, the director of the National Institutes of Health, a rather august institution, set off a firestorm last week when he said GOP-inspired federal spending cuts severely hurt Ebola research. Or as he put it, without the spending cuts, “we probably would have had a vaccine in time for this” the “this” being Ebola.

That, of course, did not sit well with Republicans (so little does), who hate being reminded what the small-government movement actually means. In this case, no Ebola vaccine. In other cases, taken at random, our road and bridge infrastructure is crap (to use an intellectual word).

So Francis Collins, one of the scientists responsible for the Human Genome Project, is a “fool,” according to conservative commentator Michelle Malkin (as reported by the Washington Post’s Dana Milbank).

Of course, Ebola is Obama’s fault, But then, everything is Obama’s fault. Just ask Joni Ernst.