You know that silly debate about how to stop the binge drinking culture at UI? Well, the UI administration seems to be trying a progressive approach to the situation: Pimp out the use of the Tigerhawk to one of the biggest beer companies in the nation.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the University of Iowa and Anheuser-Busch renewed their contract last week, as reported by the Des Moines Register.
I didn’t really know they had a contract, but apparently they do, and apparently they have for a while.
Not that the UI was trying to hide its torrid affair with a company that provides subpar beer (such as Natty Light) to the masses of binge-drinking, desperately poor (except for the ones on non-need based scholarships paid for by the ones paying full tuition — we talked about this) and extremely uncultured UI students who tend to opt for crappy beer (such as Natty Light) over classy cocktails (like an Old Fashioned).
The UI renewing its agreement with the company that makes Bud Light, Busch Light, and Natural Light is sort of like a parent giving someone with pedophiliac tendencies full access to their children for the right price.
Yeah, I went there. I really wonder what UI’s top administration’s lowest price is for their integrity — seems to be getting lower and lower each week. $483,000? $107,000? $53,000? Just say when.
The new agreement allows Anheuser-Busch to put the Tigerhawk logo — you know, the one that represents our school across the nation — next to its beer logos — you know, the ones that are next to the key hole you punched in the can to shotgun your beer.
Oh, we have a binge-drinking problem on this campus, we’re on the Top-10 list of biggest party schools in the nation, and the drink of choice is beer.
The next logical step in stopping binge drinking is to get in bed with a company that sells beer — obviously, because it’s not like the company is going to try to keep the major consumers of their product drinking. I mean, it’s not like the company cares about the bottom line or making a profit or gaining access to a rich environment of young minds willing to spend thousands to get drunk. Like Big Tobacco — they are on our side, but silly kids just want their beer, God love ’em.
But don’t worry too much, because wherever the Tigerhawk appears, the message "Responsibility Matters" has to be close to it, like in fine print in the lower righthand corner or the back of the can next to the government warning. That’ll take care of the hypocrisy — good call, team.
Also, all the money from the deal will fund UI’s plan to reduce alcohol harm on campus. So, this is like a win-win, right? A beer company is funding the UI’s alcohol-prevention plan.
I know it’s been one of those years, what with FEMA turning us down and all, and then there’s the whole tuition set-aside scam, and we’ve gotten some fire for not releasing public documents to the public — but seriously? That’s like Big Tobacco funding anti-smoking advertisement campaigns.
Easy, Ben, take a breath — UI President Sally Mason said it’s OK, so everything will be fine. She’s president of the university; she obviously has the students’ best interest in mind.
"The requirement that the possible use of the Tigerhawk logo be accompanied by the phrase ‘Responsibility Matters’ is consistent with our alcohol-harm-reduction initiative. The university will continue to emphasize that students and fans should consume alcohol only in a legal, safe, and responsible manner," Mason said in a statement to the Register.
No, it is in no way consistent with alcohol harm reduction. Giving a beer company marketing rights to your university’s logo is not consistent with reducing the harm of alcohol on your campus, even if you peg a half-ass "responsibility" quote next to it. It’s actually inconsistent.
But who cares? The students will be too drunk to notice.