Welcome back to March. It missed you, too.

(Well, OK; it was only for one day. But it was nice to see March again. For a day. Kind of like it’s nice to see an old girlfriend again. For a day.

(Not to diss the old girlfriends of the world.)

March (real March, not this faux March that the French probably sent us just because they’re, well, French; they also sent us the word "faux," by the way, along with almost half of the rest of the English language, so, Mitt, you diss the French at your own risk — a word that also comes from the French)

Anyway, March always reminds me of Republican conservatives — which, of course, is redundant.

And they are up in arms (and presumably down in legs, which, if you consider gravity, is probably the way to survive in this world — congrats, Republicans, for figuring it out) about the the Obama health-care reform.

Who knew?

They are particularly upset about the personal mandate that requires that Americans obtain health insurance. That mandate hasn’t kicked in yet — most of what GOPers refer to as "Obamacare" hasn’t — but they’re upset anyway, because Republicans are required to be upset about something, either grand or protozoan. It’s part of their DNA.

The two parts of the Obama health-care reform that have taken effect — the elimination of the Bush era prescription-drug so-called doughnut hole for seniors and the provision for college students and college-age people to stay on their parents’ health insurance until the age 26 — seem to be quite popular among Americans, as do most of the individual bits of health-care reform, when Americans are polled about the individual bits.

Republicans — frankly, my dear — don’t give a damn.

Well, fine. There’s freedom of expression in this country, which I will defend absolutely for Republicans and all other people, mentally impaired or not … but

In 1993, as Eliza Klein of the Washington Post writes in a recent New Yorker (Yeah, I know — the liberal-media conspiracy merrily rolls along; you’ll notice that the liberal media effectively derailed George W. Bush’s two presidential runs, not to mention that they stopped Bush’s invasion of Iraq in 2003.

(Speaking of that liberal-media conspiracy, you’ll also note that two "liberal" icons of the media, the New York Times and the Washington Post, both editorially backed the invasion of Iraq in 2003. For the most part, only obscure liberals such as me opposed the invasion. Merrily, the liberal-media conspiracy rolls along.)

As Klein points out, the health-care mandate does not originate with President Obama or even former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney and the Bay State’s health-care reform that he presided over and now pretends never happened. (Massachusetts? I was governor of Massachusetts? You believe that, you probably believe I once strapped the family dog to the top of the car and drove to Canada. Hah. And in any case, the kennel strapped to the top of the car was airtight.)

Yeah, you’re right — I had never heard of an airtight dog kennel before, either. Does NASA know about this?

Meanwhile, speaking of an airtight case, the health-care mandate originated with Republicans in 1993. It was their alternative to what they labeled "Hillarycare," then-President Bill Clinton’s ill-fated attempt to provide health-care insurance to all Americans.

In fact, as Klein notes, Republican senators spent the next 10 years proposing health-insurance plans involving mandates.

But now?

Why, you ask, do Republicans oppose health insurance for all Americans? I don’t know. Maybe they think it’s a French (there’s that word again) idea.

In any case, the Supreme Court will now decide the health-care foofaraw.

The justices did such a great job with the 2000 presidential election that I’m confident … well, I’m reasonably sure … well, I kind of think that March will end in five days or so.

I mean, doesn’t the calendar have Marching orders?