I was walking behind the personification of Iowa Republicans — decent butt, 6 out of 10 — yesterday and I saw it drop a piece a little piece of paper. I would’ve surely returned the document if I wasn’t a perpetual ass, but I am, so I read it.

It was mostly chicken scratch and was sprinkled with hearts and other cutesy doodles. Written at the top of the page, in big bold letters, was "OMG I’m so hot for Herman Cain."

So I kept reading. I found it touching, disturbing, and bit scandalous. I’m sure you will, too. Here is the .html version:

"OMG I’m so hot for Herman Cain.

Why won’t he talk to me more?

At the beginning of the year, I was like, ‘So he’s just like, a black [Sen.] Rick Santorum with extra pepperoni?’ But now I think he’s the cutest candidate running. [According to a poll by the University of Iowa] 37 percent of me wants him grab the White House by the throat and get deep inside, like, now.

I think I like him more than [Gov.] Mitt Romney. He’s at 27 percent. He acts like I don’t even exist. I think he’s super attractive, but I don’t think he likes me back. You know what? He can go hit on New Hampshire skanks all he wants. I’m sure they love his stupid health-care plan, which is basically Obamacare, anyway.

At 12 percent, [Rep.] Ron Paul’s my third favorite. He’s super old, though. Plus he won’t pay for my ethanol, which is a huge turn-off. Plus he’s super old. I do love his no-abortions-ever-allowed pickup lines. He’s so old, though. I need a man that will mount my podiums and toss me around like a rag doll.

Herman Cain can do that. I love that ol’-time Southern drawl he has. If I was ordering pizza and I heard his voice on the other line, I would ask for extra, extra meat.

He used to be the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, which is a pretty big deal. He will know exactly how to negotiate peace with enemy foreign leaders because he correctly priced a buffet for a mid-grade Midwestern pizza chain. He’s done lots of political stuff for the restaurant industry.

You know how restaurants make tons of money from alcohol sales? Yeah, that’s why he lobbied to keep the drunk driving BAC limit at .10 instead of .08 in 1996.

And you know all those wannabe-parasites from Mexico? He wants them to die, one way or another. So hot.

Herman Cain won’t let little-girl things like morality and human lives get in the way of leading this country to greatness.

Greatness is never surrendering to stupid terrorists. He knows that establishing limp-wristed timetables for the withdrawal from Iraq is basically the same thing as surrendering. He said so in 2007 lots of times.

What else is greatness? Greatness is super simple tax plans like 9-9-9. This one’s a no-brainer. I’m surprised nobody has ever thought of this. [Editor’s note: It was the default tax system in SimCity 4]. The current tax system is so stupid. It’s as if it wasn’t based on extensive research of historical indicators at all.

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to notice him. Maybe it’s ’cause he’s playing hard to get. Before he was slobbering over me almost as hard as Santorum’s desperate ass, but now he is scheduled to hit on me only two more times this year.

Sure, I have a crush now, but if he wants me to get him off, um, to a good start, he will have to show me that he’s interested."

Personification of Iowa Republicans, if you’re reading this, I have some advice for you.

Right now, Cain isn’t that interested because you have low standards — Mike Huckabee? C’mon.

Make sure you look deep into his heart, his platform, and make sure it’s not absolutely batshit crazy.

Also, squats.