Oh, dear. The tender, tender feelings of the College Republicans were so terribly, terribly hurt — sniff, sniff, pass the Kleenix, please — because a UI professor last week used a "naughty" word in an e-mail to the group.

OMG. How awful. No wonder national media glommed on the story like digitally stereo fats on high-fidelty glycines.

Naughty, naughty, naughty professor. Who knew professors knew naughty words, let alone how to use them?

OMG, Western civilization is coming to an end.

On the other hand, who knew Republicans had tender, sensitive feelings?

Not in my existence.

The policies they invariably support are quite the opposite of anything approaching tender or sensitive, and they almost invariably harm working-class and low-income people. The College Republicans’ attempted satire of the Wisconsin protests (an extraordinarily lame attempt — a fifth-grade class at Wood Elementary could do far better) is a perfect example.

Note to Republicans: If you’re going to attempt satire, be funny. I know it’s difficult for you people, because Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney are your role models, and that’s rather like having Calvin Coolidge and Herbert (Great Depression) Hoover as your role models. Talk about the death of laughter.

What the professor in question, Ellen Lewin, should have done — well, OK, obviously, this is easy to say in retrospect. But what Lewin should have done was to omit "The Word." Her e-mail would have read "You, Republicans," and the Republicans, with their extraordinary intellectual powers, would have spent months trying to figure out what she meant.

Part of the extraordinary reaction (I mean, national media — don’t they have something more important to do?) to Lewin’s use of probably the most-employed bit of vulgarity in the world — practically everyone in the world 14 or older, no matter her or his lack of English otherwise, knows the word and the phrase (and also knows the middle-finger salute, and I’ve probably set the age too high) — is shock, shock that a professor would employ profanity.

Well, in the spirit of Claude Rains’ famous scene in Casablanca, I’m shocked, shocked that anyone is shocked. I mean, it’s not as though we don’t all know the word, not to mention that we’ve all used it. Including, shock of shocks, Republicans.

As a faculty brat, I can assure you that professors curse as much as plumbers (Well, who can blame plumbers? Think about their often-shitty jobs, not to use a bit of vulgarity.), or the proverbial sailors, or Laker fans.

(You’re going to have a lot to curse about this year, Kobe-ites, said the Celtic fan, though he’s more hopeful than certain).

And as an employee of two university professors in their research labs, I heard that word more than quite a few times. Professors are not always detached, rational, well-educated human beings; they sometimes curse.

So call the thought police.

In a perfect world, of course, there would be no Republicans.

Well, I take that back. A perfect world would of course include Republicans. I mean, all of us need a bit of comic relief now and again. And Republicans are perfect for that.

Take Donald Trump, for instance. He’s pretty much a laugh per second. (If you’re counting.)

You, Republicans.