Beau Elliot
Hey, Indianapolis Colts, ya wanna talk about deflated play calling?
Nah. I didn’t think so.
(But somehow, it’s Tom Brady’s fault, right? I mean, so much is.)
We’re taking this moment to take a break from reality to muse about something important: football. What’s reality, anyway? Ben Carson mixing up Afghanistan and Iraq, Hillary Clinton tickling kids in an Iowa backyard, Donald Trump touting his business expertise while saying, Pay no attention to the bankruptcies behind the curtain. Where’s that at? Oh, and the state Board of Regents acting like the Czar and his court. Might as well muse about football, even though it’s cotton candy for the mind. Besides, cotton candy for the mind is the national diet.
I mean, the Hawkeyes are playing pretty good ball, as opposed to the plodding soccer they’ve played for the last several seasons, and on Sunday evening, the Indianapolis Colts treated us to the dumbest play since cavemen started coloring on cave walls (thus giving rise to Plato’s favorite metaphor).
On fourth and 3, down by one score on their own 37, the Colts flashed their imagination and didn’t punt. Instead, they sent nine players scampering off to the right sideline, leaving two in the middle of the field at the ball: a center (really, a DB or something) and a quarterback (really, a wide receiver or something). The New England Patriots, king of the candy-cotton land, shrugged and covered the field, the Colts snapped the ball (the Colts snapped the ball? Two against four?), and, predictably, the Patriots swarmed the quarterback for a 2-yard loss. A few minutes later, Brady tossed a touchdown pass, and the game was essentially over.
The Colts’ play (to use the word sardonically) was so moronic you’d be excused for thinking Donald Trump had called it. Or a caveman, irritated that his coloring had been interrupted.
Or the state Board of Regents. (There they are again. They’re everywhere. You ever noticed?)
I find it curious, after a Republican Legislature has refused for many upon many years to fully fund the state’s universities, particularly the University of Iowa, that a Republican Board of Regents (mostly appointed by Republican Gov. Terry Branstad), led by a Republican Regent President Bruce Rastetter (appointed by Branstad and a big-time political donator to the governor), would find a crisis in funding for the UI and decide that a businessman is the answer to become the next UI president.
Oh, you discovered a crisis, did you? Did you look in the mirror? Do you ever look in the mirror, or do you avoid that visage except when you’re shaving?
Or maybe it’s not so curious.
I mean, incoming UI President J. Bruce Harreld (no relation to Bruce Rastetter) promises to make a great university greater. And I believe him. Why would he lie?
Well, OK, there are some gaping holes in his résumé, but who doesn’t? Well, me. Probably you. But, you know, gaping holes in a résumé help to teach offensive linemen how to block for running backs. Don’t they?
So, exactly, when does grate become grater?