Jacob Prall
[email protected]

Mr. Chaffetz. Oh boy, Mr. Chaffetz. Republican representative out of Utah, Jason Chaffetz. What are you doing running for speaker of the House?

Chaffetz, age 48, bright-eyed and fairly new to the house (having been elected in 2008) is challenging the favorite for the position of speaker, Kevin McCarthy. In an interview with the New York Times, Chaffetz admitted that he isn’t likely to win and that he isn’t the best candidate for the job. But when you feel compelled to be a thorn in the side of your fellow Republicans, I guess you have to go where the wind takes you.

Chaffetz isn’t exactly a household name, and that’s part of the reason his candidacy for the position doesn’t look so hot. Why throw his hat in the ring? Well, McCarthy made the political mistake of suggesting the Benghazi House panel was really more of a tactic to drive down support for Hillary Clinton in the upcoming presidential election. Despite this being incredibly obvious to most, the conservatives in the house have labeled that a big no-no. So as McCarthy’s support wavers, perhaps a roguish up-and-comer with bright eyes and a fire in his heart could take the reins from soon-to-be-former Speaker John Boehner.

Except Chaffetz doesn’t really have bright eyes. I believe something burns inside him, but it isn’t his heart, or passion for truth, justice, or decency. I now direct your attention to the recent Planned Parenthood hearing in front of a House of Representatives panel. You’ll never guess who captained that ship. Why, it was our pal Jason Chaffetz.

Now look. I don’t care if you’re right or left, up or down, inside out or whatever. Political leanings aside, Chaffetz was just rude. He constantly talked over those on the stand. He conducted himself with a cocky “I’m cool, you drool, and also you’re going to hell” kind of swagger. The word superior doesn’t even do it justice. As if that wasn’t annoying enough, he displayed an infographic to the house showing how the number of abortions Planned Parenthood conducted had risen and the number of screenings for disease had fallen, and the graph shows the abortions exceeding the screenings. When the head of Planned Parenthood claimed it was bogus, he exclaimed, “It came right from your annual reports.” Of course, a cursory search found that an anti-abortion group had compiled it, and Planned Parenthood was quick to bring this up.

His inability to conduct research at a high-school-junior level aside, the graph was also incredibly deceptive. There was no Y-axis on the graph, so the line that showed abortions overtaking screenings was nonsense. Chaffetz was asserting that the number 327,000 (number of abortions Planned Parenthood performed in 2013) was higher than the number 935,573 (number of cancer screenings and prevention services Planned Parenthood provided in 2013). It’s not a surprise Planned Parenthood didn’t recognize the graph — it exists in a parallel dimension where golf scoring is how real math works. Three is more than nine, cats are dogs, doors are windows, etc. It’s a crazy world out there.

So is Chaffetz qualified? Maybe. Does he have a level of professionalism the country desperately needs? Does he have the integrity necessary to create a functioning, useful Congress? That’s a negative. But hey, at least he’s trying. Let’s give him an A for effort. Or F, depending on what reality you’re in.