Rick Perry

I would same-sex marry Texas Gov. Rick Perry over any other candidate for three reasons: He’s handsome, he’s rich, and um… I forgot the other reason. Oops!

(Weren’t expecting that joke now, were you?)

But in all seriousness, Rick Perry won by process of elimination. Rep. Michele Bachmann is a lady, which violates the same-sex stipulation (plus I’m afraid she would stab me). I refuse to recognize former Rep. Rick Santorum as a candidate, so he’s exempt. Newt Gingrich takes the sanctity of marriage about as seriously as I take Newt Gingrich. And if I were to marry Mitt Romney, I would be constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn’t cheating with Exxon or Bain Capital.

On a related note, I would have no intention of staying faithful to any of these men. For this reason, Rep. Ron Paul, Gov. Gary Johnson, and Gov. John Huntsman are all eliminated from my love pool. They’re all too sweet. I wouldn’t be able to look in the mirror if I broke poor ol’ Dr. Paul’s heart. If he hated me as much as he hates FEMA and illegal immigrants, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

This leaves Perry as my hypothetical same-sex spouse. Good thing he’s a Christian. That means he’s loving and understanding of all human beings. That means he believes everybody deserves a chance and only God can judge his fellow man.

Well, as long as his fellow man isn’t one of them "gays," right, Rick? Rick’s platform has recently been almost strictly anti-gay. Maybe he’s trying to appeal to Iowa’s delusional GOP base, or maybe he got sick of learning about issues way over his head (all of them) and is instead focusing solely on how much he hates gay people.

This week he took offense to President Obama’s initiatives to protect foreign human-rights abuses against homosexuals.

"Promoting special rights for gays in foreign countries is not in America’s interests and not worth a dime of taxpayers’ money," said Perry, who apparently thinks not being executed is a "special right" if that person’s perceived to be gay.

In his most recent campaign ad, Perry says, "You don’t need to be in a pew every Sunday to know that there’s something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school."

At first I wanted to same-sex marry Rick Perry because of his corporate-donation money, but now I just want him to stop spreading anti-Christian hate and ignorance.

Plus I want to cheat on him.

— Chris Steinke

Newt Gingrich

Clearly, there’s no better candidate for a same-sex life partner from the likes of a Republican front-runner than Newt Gingrich — or "Silver Fox," as I affectionately refer to him.

Sure, there are more attractive offerings from the GOP, such as dreamy, roughneck, cowboy-extraordinaire Rick Perry, but I’d rather have a man who knows how to multitask. In this regard, ol’ Silver Fox would put poor Ricky to shame. (That’s not to mention the fact that somewhere in my stomach I have this unsettling feeling Ricky would somehow forget what to say next if things got interesting after dark.) Newt has shown he can balance a cancer-stricken wife and an extramarital affair simultaneously with ease, all while maintaining a flip-flop record even Mitt Romney would envy.

But there are other reasons Gingy would be a suitable mate. Being an innate gold-digger, I’m immediately drawn to an older, rich guy like Newt because, come on, which other candidate would be easier to seduce? The guy’s on his third marriage, which means he’s either Washington’s most successful swinger since Bill Clinton or that he regularly "hangs out" with Bachmann’s husband somewhere in a D.C. Bath & Body Works, and only his exes and Michele know about it. Either way, I wouldn’t mind it if he was my sugar daddy.

Then there’s Silver Fox’s sex appeal, which I can only describe as a JFK for the 21st century. Personally speaking, nothing’s more appealing to me than a nuanced balance of pale-white skin and snow-white hair. Thankfully, Gingrich has all that and, from what I’ve been told, a massive "head." Although that seemingly leaves nothing to the imagination, a recent comparison by an Iowa pastor between Newt and Kim Kardashian has left me with more questions than answers. All I can say is Silver Fox better not disappoint.

(He’s a closeted proponent of "enhanced interrogation" techniques, so I’m sure he won’t).

OK, so ol’ Silver Fox may not be the most ideal same-sex partner in the world. But in a world without the sheer brawn of a candidate such as Reagan, Gingrich is a close second.

— Matt Heinze