A layperson examining the 2012 GOP presidential candidates may feel burdened by the number of great candidates.
For instance, there’s Herman Cain, the financial mastermind of Godfather’s Pizza and known feminist. Remember U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., the former professor of evolution at Oxford. Or Texas Gov. Rick Perry, a.k.a. Chuck Norris Jr.
These are all great candidates with amazing credentials, so it makes sense that people are having problems making a decision. Here is where I can help, because the only name you need to know is: Rick Santorum. Yes, the same Rick Santorum who was voted out of office when the people of Pennsylvania realized he spent the majority of his time living in Virginia.
Currently, Rick — as his website refers to him — is not getting much attention, but that is going to change right here, right now. Out of the candidates, he is the only one to compare homosexuality to bestiality. Moreover, he hates immigrants almost as much as U.S. Rep. Steve King, R-Iowa, tough company for comparison. Besides hating the same things as most Tea Partiers, he wants to add as many amendments as necessary to outlaw abortion, gay marriage, and other creations of the liberal agenda like a true Constitutional conservative. On top of that, he and his wife have enough children to start a small army capable of invading Poland.
On the off chance you aren’t sold yet, you should read some of the rhetoric he has on his website. Forget "maverick," Rick is a "champion," a "believer," and a "defender." Let the bald eagle soaring on his logo tell you everything you need to know about Rick. Under the guise of a soft-spoken, eagle-loving politician, Rick will invade your heart like it was a Middle Eastern country. Better not stop there — you probably have even more in common with him than your common hatreds and love for heat-seeking missiles.
Every time Rick Santorum is confronted on the issue of evolution, he actually transforms into Kirk Cameron. Atheists beware, Rick will dismantle your loosely held theories as if he were stealing candy from an unborn baby. Now that scientists have proven that Darwin was a phony and the Earth is 6,758 years old, this should be a moot point, yet Rick is still out there fighting the good fight, and I thank him for that. Darwinists will tell you that Rick Santorum is an out-of-date politician with no understanding of science, but that is ridiculous. He took a biology course in high school.
For anyone thinking that Rick only cares about the social issues, fear not: He is a fiscal conservative, too. Everyone can tell that the Democrats are running our economy into the ground. Comments on Rick’s YouTube videos agree that something needs to be done about the liberal elite in Washington. And, Rick joined the Gang of Seven to have gang fights with other Congressional gangs about the House banking scandal as well as trying to stop senators from using the Capitol Barbershop.
Liberals in Washington are destroying this beautiful nation, and it makes Rick cry at night when he thinks of how you could be better spending that money on putting his children through online classes instead. Millionaires across the country can relax because Rick Santorum pushed the 2001 and 2003 Bush tax cuts that saved them having to buy a Lexus instead of a Bentley. Anything less than a total change in our political system will not do.
Together we can save the country from deviant homosexuals and potheads who are stealing our liberties. Together, we can do something that may or may not save us from economic peril. Everyone already knows the answer to our country’s struggles: Rick Santorum.
Zeru Peterson is a senior biology major at the University of Iowa.