Shirtless, inebriated, toothless men take note: You are being profiled. “COPS,” Fox’s long-running police reality series, is a constant parade of moronic hillbillies running afoul of the law and as such, would lead casual viewers to believe that well-educated, sober individuals never turn criminal.
Where are the shots of officers combing bars to dole out PAULA tickets? Could the cops of “COPS” properly investigate an identity-theft case? What about handling the transients masturbating in the library? Without these low-profile, slow-speed crimes (not to mention the bureaucratic procedures that accompany them), the show hardly qualifies as “reality” television. Boss Hogg spent less time on yokel-pursuit duty than the officers of “COPS.”
To find a realistic police officer, viewers need to seek out scripted television. Andy Taylor and Barney Fife, patrolling the quiet streets of Mayberry and keeping citizens safe from traveling salesmen and goats with a tendency to ingest dynamite, were model officers. Their rapport with the community, level-headed approach, and commitment to fairness kept the peace in Mayberry with no high-speed chases and virtually zero suspects being wrestled to the ground, and unfunny wisecracks were saved for the barber’s chair.
In the animated community of Springfield, Chief Wiggum is entrusted with law and order on “The Simpsons.” Like the Mayberry Sheriff’s Department, Wiggum is also a more accurate representation of the police than “COPS,” if perhaps a little less flattering. Overweight, easily confused, and obviously porcine, Wiggum is an example of what happens if you watch too many episodes of “COPS.” He is quick on the draw and even quicker to add some kind of nonsensical crime-related catch phrase whenever he apprehends a suspect. Despite this, Wiggum’s incompetence is not due to malice — just misinformation. After watching “COPS,” he thinks he is supposed to be an action hero instead of a police officer.
Outside of the hot pants, I would contend that “RENO 911!” is the most realistic police show on television (though perhaps short shorts are more prevalent in warmer jurisdictions). Unlike “COPS,” this show details the mundane tasks that make up most police logs. The officers check out noise complaints, find escaped pets, discourage loiterers, and even spend time counseling troubled individuals instead of using perpetrators’ skulls to determine their nightsticks’ force threshold.
As any reporter who has written police blotters for a local beat could tell you, 90 percent of police activity is downright dull. “RENO 911” is one cop show that doesn’t avoid this. In fact, the show embraces it and offers unabashed realism. Let’s make this the standard. Please, “COPS,” forget about prize-winning mullets drunkenly piloting their lawnmowers through six lanes of traffic and show us more jaywalkers. There’s real police work to be done.