When I’m not here, making a strange face in the upper right corner of this page, it’s entirely possible you could find me at my other place of employment, the venerable L&M Mighty Shop.

While at the Mighty, one of the questions I’ve been asked multitudinous times is if I have any funny stories about the L&M. For the record, yes I do have some stories, as do the other Mighty employees, stories that, for just over a year now, we’ve been writing down in a series of notebooks we call “The Essential Mighty Shop.”

Now, in its fifth volume, hundreds of such anecdotes have been recorded in the books, be it musings, customer antics, or simply mindless nonsequiters. Each tale offers a unique view in to just what happens at your local gas station.

So, for a special two-part series of this column I will be sharing the very choicest of these notes from the Mighty log books a collection I call “The Best of the Essential Mighty Shop.”

3/9/08 — Encountered a middle-aged gent with “ROCK STAR” tattooed across his knuckles. The fact that he had a teenage girlfriend and was riding shotgun in her ’93 Topaz led me to believe he was no such rock star.

5/19/08 — Girl wearing newspaper and a box of beer came in to buy duct tape to fix her “clothes.”

6/11/08 — Fifty-something redneck in a rusty blue car asked a slender, semi-attractive young patron for directions to Menards. Then he asked her where she stripped at.

3/5/08 — Came to the conclusion that if I consumed three cups of coffee, I would certainly shit my pants. I quit after 2 1⁄2.

3/9/08 — Captain’s log, 5:49 a.m. a guy came in looking for Exlax or any sort of suppository device … Then started talking about cocaine making him have to poop so he purchased an energy drink hoping for similar results.

3/18/08 — Man with bad leg tried to sell porn to customers.

4/02/08 — Transvestite with a bull ring scared the bejesus out of me.

4/21/08 — Guy came in at 9:20 a.m. and purchased seven 32 oz’ers of The Beast ICE (literally all that we had on the shelf.) Staggered by his hobolicious beverage choice, I asked, “What’s the occasion?” To which he replied, “Monday.”

3/16/08 — Very, very bored. Have figured out why people consider activities like huffing and “ghost ridin’ the whip” appealing.

5/20/08 — Girl called asking if we found her retainer.

3/18/08 — Accidentally summoned extra dimensional being known as Zxaragorvolax the Unmerciful. However, as all six of his bulbulous, bloodshot eyes and his twitching, expectant mandibles told me, homeboy was just looking for some mango phillies and a bag of cheetos, son.

5/24/08 — Guy came in and said I reminded him of his friend from high school, Rusty Miller. I really, really wish my name was Rusty. That would be a kickass name.

5/29/08 — Man came in asking if we sold flamethrowers … was speechless.

6/28/08 — The Morning Rednecks told me they both get fellatio in the morning when they wake up (from each other?), then proceeded to ask me if I knew where to find prostitutes. I told ’em to check Craigslist.

6/17/08 — Level 3 kid tried walking out of store hiding his “boner.” Once outside, he pulled his boner out and it really looked like a stolen 40 oz. of Miller Lite. So I walked outside and got back that 40 and told him never to come in here and get a boner again.

7/7/08 — Ow! Trident!

There you have it, round one of The Best of the Essential Mighty Shop. Check back next week for a continuation of this mighty venture, and a look into the mysterious nature of the barracuda, a creature once referred to by a customer as a, “bear-tiger thing.”