If you’ve ever tried ordering a matcha for the first time, carried a tote bag instead of stuffing your belongings in your pockets, or, god forbid, you read a book in public, you might have felt some judgment — both around you and on the internet. Especially if you are a guy. Especially if you look like you’re trying.

Because somewhere along the way, trying became inherently cringey. Not the average tripping over yourself in public kind of embarrassment, but a type of embarrassment that apparently prompts a whole internet discussion.

The problem is, we’ve somehow made authenticity synonymous with effortlessness. You’re only allowed to be stylish if it looks like you woke up that way. You can only enjoy “feminine-coded” things if you’re not doing it for the aesthetic. Trying is only okay if it’s invisible.

And for guys, there is more of an obstacle to climb. If he wants to pick up photography as a hobby, suddenly he’s an “Instagram boyfriend in training.” If a guy decides to try matcha instead of chugging a sports drink, suddenly he’s faking it. And so, people, especially women, poke fun at this type of person, calling them performative.

The most recent meme-ification is of “matcha men.” You’ve probably seen the screenshots of a guy’s Hinge profile: he’s reading Pride and Prejudice, wearing a freshly thrifted pair of loafers, and posing with his pastel green drink. The comments? “These guys are all the same,” or “He’s trying too hard to look soft.”

But isn’t that just reinforcing this idea that certain behaviors and hobbies can only be “for girls?” That is not calling out patriarchy, but rather cosplaying as the gender police. Our society wants men to open up and break stereotypes, but they are then memed to death if they try anything new. It is like wanting someone to open up, and then laughing in their face when they do.

Sure, some people, of all genders, can be a little too “curated.” It might be as if they have mistaken aesthetics for personality. Manab Jaily, a University of Iowa student, loves to use social media and fashion as a creative outlet, but recognizes that it isn’t always optimal.

“I think it gets excessive when you trap yourself into that box of a certain style or certain look that you think is ‘perfect’ and it’s mentally draining,” Jaily said. “As long as you stay true to yourself without hiding behind an ‘aesthetic’, expressing yourself in new ways is perfectly fine.”

And honestly, we’re all faking it to a certain extent, especially online. And yes, forming an entirely different personality may be where you draw the line, but our identities aren’t stagnant – we change and pursue different things. So we have to start somewhere.

Trying new things will always be awkward at first. A guy in a flowy button-up and linen pants is just trying to beat the heat and feel something. Maybe he read one Rupi Kaur poem and it hit a little too hard. The group of girls trying to take the perfect candid picture together is probably having the time of their lives.

Let them live.