Something I’ve learned in my 21 years of life — I know, a lot of time — is that people are going to disappoint you. They are going to let you down. They aren’t always going to be what you need. And you know what? Good.
Let them.
Motivational speaker Mel Robbins shared a video on TikTok from her self-titled podcast about a theory she heard and loved called the “Let Them Theory.”
What Robbins found is we’re wasting too much time on friendships, relationships — basically any human connection — that is letting us down over and over again. Most importantly, we’re letting the let-down hurt us.
The way around this — the life hack, per se — is to just let them.
Robbins said in her video, “Your friends all go out to brunch together, and they don’t invite you. Let them. Or maybe the person you’re dating doesn’t want a commitment. Let them. Or perhaps your spouse does not want to do the 5K with you. Let them. Your company is laying people off. Let them.”
It’s time to stop settling for relationships and friendships where our needs are constantly underrepresented. What these people are doing is not only wasting your time but also showing you their true colors.
Letting these people do what they choose gives you the power to then choose how you react. How amazing is that? You are now back in control of a situation where you were once hurt.
Robbins said we can’t force people to change when they’ve shown us that they won’t show up for us the way we do for them.
USA Today interviewed psychologist Stephanie Sarkis, who said the “Let Them Theory” reminds us that people’s choices usually have nothing to do with us and encourages a practice of detachment from the decisions made.
Now I know what you’re thinking: Not only is there a time and place for this, but it’s also harder than it sounds. And it can still hurt your feelings.
Some, including myself, may think this could lead to bottled-up feelings that need to be expressed. What I’ve learned is you’re still allowed to feel those feelings, but this technique serves as a way to show you that you might need new people in your life.
I began implementing this theory in my daily life after arriving home from studying abroad. When I returned, I realized life moved on without me. I felt so alone, but I later realized it had nothing to do with me.
I have a strong and healthy relationship with a lot of people, but when I implemented this theory, I realized the people who care will make that clear. At first, it was hard to see my friends doing things without me, and I had to cut a couple of them off, but my real friends included me in their plans. My boyfriend made time to spend with me on our six-year anniversary. My parents even made a trip to Iowa City.
When I stopped worrying about being invited to places or activities outside of my control, those who cared let me know and those who didn’t — those who I just “let” — left.
It was the best thing to ever happen to me.
There are downsides to this theory and some still question if it’s even worth it, but I can tell you firsthand that it’s worth trying just to see how it impacts your life and relationships. It’s a challenge that tests self-control, but in the end, it strengthens who you are as a person.
I used to be the type of person who could never be alone. Now, I love it when I get the chance to do so. I’m perfectly content in my own mind space because being let down or left out doesn’t bother me anymore. Instead, I embrace it, and you should too.