Beau Elliot
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So the world is going to hell in a handbasket, and the only thing we can do is figure out is whether Donald Trump is right (China has devalued the yuan in order to swamp us with several metric tons of Chinese handbaskets) or, as Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Moons of Uranus, contends, President Obama has imported several metric tons of illegal immigrants from the surface of Venus to work in the White House basement and produce the required metric tons of handbaskets containing hell.
Well, the Venusians probably got the temperature right.
Such goes our presidential campaign. As an age-old comedian (Plato?) once said, take our presidential campaign. Please.
Take, for instance, Trump going all kissy-kissy with Mussolini and the Cruz campaign asking Sen. Joe McCarthy, self-avowed communist hunter, for the last waltz.
(For the record, Ol’Joe didn’t find 100 communists in the State Department; turns out, they were all bespectacled accountants from Toledo. Why Toledo? you ask. Well, if you lived in Toledo and had the chance to join the State Department, wouldn’t you race to D.C. in a heartbeat?)
The first good thing about Cruz, at least for Republicans, is that he’s not Trump. The second good thing is he’s not Trump.
The main thing about Cruz and the so-called Republican establishment is that the senator from Texas has been the proverbial thorn in the side to said establishment in his brief senatorial career. No word yet on why establishment types expose their sides to thorns.
Of course, he was born in Canada, whose motto is Land of Thorns. There’s a TV series or something about it.
RELATED: The Wizard of Trumpster
Trump used that same birther argument against President Obama in 2012, to no avail. It’s so hard to find good avail these days. You noticed? Maybe the Co-op has some local avail on odd days. On even days, you have to park on the other side of avail.)
Ah, yes, the Trumpster. He will run this country like the enormously successful businessman he is, which apparently means insulting people of Mexican ancestry as being criminals and rapists, then hiring them. (What? Rapists aren’t criminals? That’ll go over well with most women.)Also, business success apparently includes having your companies declare bankruptcy four times, not to mention your very rich father, temporarily, saving your casino by buying $3 million in chips, then never using them. Hmm, that was a deal that the New Jersey gaming commission considered to be shady. If a commission in New Jersey says something might be “shady,” you should raise your eyebrows, perk up your ears, or generate some other cliché.
I mean, in the Garden State, it’s apparently OK to shut down access to a major bridge, creating huge traffic jams, and say, You didn’t really want to go to New York, anyway. That’s Sin City.
Meanwhile, Trump and Cruz delve into very important policy matters by battling over my girl’s prettier than yours.
After the whole melee about the size of Trump’s hands, you would’ve thought that the GOP race couldn’t get any more junior high, but as soon as you think that, they find a dumber junior high. Apparently, America has no dearth of those.
Besides, it’s the size of men’s feet, not hands. All women know this.
Not to join junior high again or anything.
Speaking of going to hell in a handbasket. Apparently, Houston, the handbasket has landed.
