The independent newspaper of the University of Iowa community since 1868

The Daily Iowan

The independent newspaper of the University of Iowa community since 1868

The Daily Iowan

The independent newspaper of the University of Iowa community since 1868

The Daily Iowan

Sarah Palin as a regent

Board+of+Regents+members+gather+in+the+IMU+Main+Lounge+on+Wed.+March+11%2C+2015.+The+State+of+Iowa+Board+of+Regents+meet+to+discuss+the+future+of+universities+in+Iowa.+%28The+Daily+Iowan%2FCourtney+Hawkins%29
Board of Regents members gather in the IMU Main Lounge on Wed. March 11, 2015. The State of Iowa Board of Regents meet to discuss the future of universities in Iowa. (The Daily Iowan/Courtney Hawkins)

Beau Elliot
[email protected]

More from the Department of Geography (which no longer exists at the UI, which is why it’s so hard to find) recurring seminar “Where in the World is Iowa City?”:

Apparently, Iowa City, in addition to existing in the greater LA metro area, also exists, in some plate-tectonic form, in the Baltimore metro area and possibly the Kansas City metro area. Talk about tectonics. Not to mention plates. My kitchen doesn’t have plates anything close to that. Walmart doesn’t seem to have those plates, it just seems to have underpaid workers.

Wait a minute, you say; the UI has a geography department; the office is in 316 Jessup. Well, yes and no, like so much of life. Ever notice?

The UI has a Department of Geographical, Sustainability Sciences, & Comp Lit in a Postmodernistic Social Construct in a Z2 Mobility Area. Or something. The abbreviation, as with so many abbreviations, will destroy your eyesight.

Doesn’t matter. The new UI president will move the department into the Tippie College of Business, whose faculty will be perpetually confused by Z2 Mobility Areas. That won’t matter, either, because the social constructs in Z2 Mobility Areas are perpetually confused, too.

Confused yet? Welcome to the real world, as socially constructed by the state Board of Regents. (Well, some would say asocially constructed, but there are a lot of sharp wits in Iowa City, and that’s why they’re not on Gov. Terry Branstad’s Board of Regents.)

Probably, in this grave new world, soon the new UI president will move the entire College of Liberal Arts into the business school, because who needs to study Chaucer? There’s no profit in that. And besides, Chaucer died in 1400 and wrote in a language we don’t understand much, even though we call it Middle English. Sounds more like French. Lafayette, nous ne sommes pas ici.

Of course, if you want real real-world confusion, you have to listen to Sarah Palin. That’s what I do when I need an injection of some confusion. (Careful; it’s addictive, as so much of life is.)

For instance:

“So up there in Alaska, across the way Russia. You know there is a name for this taking advantage of America. There is a Russian name for that. And it is called ‘fortochka.’ And that means Obama’s window of opportunity. So as Obama leads from behind the skirt of his right-hand man, Valerie Jarrett, then it’s up to Congress to close that window. He may propose. You dispose, Congress. You gotta be in it to win it because we want peace. With unapologetic mighty red, white, and blue, will have peace.”

Um, yeah. She also had something about Obama as a unicorn, but I got lost on the horn and the sprinkly fairy dust.     

Palin is so good, she should be a member of the Board of Regents.  She’d fit right in. Pretty soon, many of the regents would come to believe they, too, could see Russia from their porches in the evening.

Many of them probably already do, when they gaze at the University of Iowa.

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