A Modern Modest Proposal

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A Modern Modest Proposal

Martin Falbisoner

Martin Falbisoner

Martin Falbisoner

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Jace Brady

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In 1729, Jonathan Swift wrote a revolutionary proposal to ease the suffering of the Irish working class. His essay “A Modest Proposal” provided a commonsense solution to his era’s major issues. Today, I make an adaptation of his essay, “A Modern Modest Proposal.”

It is a drab task to journey through the news journals and academic publications that address today’s society. Our wages have failed to grow, millions rely on food stamps, and nearly 43 percent of seniors would be indigent without Social Security. A majority of our nation’s sustenance is swallowed by these programs. As our national debt grows, we are forced to look to other solutions. The current order must be replaced by my modest proposal.

It’s a shame that the elderly have constructed such a reliance on the backs of children and grandchildren. Their demand for Social Security requires a quarter of our federal budget and is often supplemented by additional financial contributions from their families. Rather than allowing these citizens to leech off society, it seemed prudent to seek out a solution that would allow these citizens to maintain their dignity despite the deplorable conditions of our country. It would be much nobler for these gray-haired citizens to make one last contribution to our society by being fed to our hungriest citizens.

My solution is much more reasonable than Swift’s, as seniors have already contributed to society and have reached a much larger size than an infant, allowing them to feed many more mouths. Currently, there are 59 million citizens on Social Security, which would provide a great influx of food to our hungriest citizens and would likely allow us to drastically reduce our expenditures on other social programs. This food supply will be sustained for many years, as many fresh bodies reach the age of Social Security every year. There is also no need to worry about the logistics of transferring these bodies, because most seniors can be locally sourced. I have also been assured by a knowing man that seniors are exceptionally delicious and, having had more time to age, are much more tender than their infant counterparts.

I believe that this proposal is of utmost importance. First, this system would allow us to discontinue the Social Security and Medicare programs that have plagued our nation for decades. This would grant the government more money to invest in other programs that would benefit current and future contributors to society rather than past contributors. Furthermore, millions of additional dollars would be infused into our economy when people and businesses no longer have to pay FICA taxes and/or need to save money for an unnecessary retirement.

Second, if this proposal were combined with an effective use of farm subsidies that would pay farmers to provide fresh fruits and vegetables to Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program recipients, we could end the additional expenditure required by this program. The protein and iron from the carcasses of our seniors combined with the nutrients provided by the bounty of our farms is sufficient to sustain human life.

Third, our young people would no longer be racked by the guilt of making brutal health-care decisions. A great percentage of our health-care expenditures are spent on the last 10 days of life, when seniors are forced to suffer great pain and misery while they wait for death. I postulate that a quick and painless death in a slaughterhouse is a much more humane way to dispose of the burden of our seniors.

I can find no logical objection to this proposal and submit my modest proposal to your learned minds. I have nothing to benefit from this proposal but the hope that it will be beneficial to my country and the knowledge that it will provide sustenance to so many who are suffering.

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