Elliot: Air pressure


So I guess, with Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski reaching 1,000 wins in his career, he now truly is Coach K.

Meanwhile, back at DeflateGate (which is where everyone who is anybody lives these days, as far as I can tell), I hear through the usually suspect rumor lines that the United States is willing to trade New England Patriot coach Bill Belichick to ISIS for all the Western hostages it has. Hell hath no fury as an air pressure scorned.

What? You haven’t heard of DeflateGate? (Which seems to have more different spellings than Aaron Spelling had TV shows.) Where have you been living? In “Flintstones” reruns?

In short, DeflateGate, also known in some clever circles as Ballghazi — though don’t use that word with any right-wingers around, because they seem to believe saying the word “Ballghazi” is akin to committing treason and you should be shipped off to Guantánamo immediately without a trial. Which is, of course, how people win a trip to Guantánamo.

Meanwhile, back at the narrative (not that there is one), DeflateGate involves air in footballs, or, in the case of the Patriots on or about Jan. 18 against the Indianapolis Colts, lack of air in the footballs.

Yes, Virginia, that’s right. The nation has been transfixed for more than a week about the amount of air in footballs. The government in Yemen collapses, Russia steps up the offensive in Ukraine, where thousands have died, the king of Saudi Arabia also dies, though that has nothing to do with Ukraine, but what’s truly important is the air pressure in footballs in the NFL.

People who can’t remember a single scrap from their high-school physics class now pontificate on PSI (that’s pounds per square inch in human speak). No one wonders how you can figure square inches in an oval container. No matter. The Patriots must be cheating because of air pressure in footballs.

What about the homeless? Air pressure. What about hunger in America? Air pressure. What about now-Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell filibustering his own bill a couple of years ago? Air pressure. Air pressure, Air pressure, Air pressure.

Take the New York Post. Please, as the old joke goes. The Jan. 21 New York Post sports cover has a large picture of Patriot QB Tom Brady cocking his arm to Tuck Rule — no, no, to pass, cynics. The headline is SLIME BALLS, in a type size you could read from the Moon.

In the top right corner of the page is a tease to an inside story that reads “A-Rod working out with Bonds.”

Ah, juxtaposition.

Of course, in a parallel universe, juxtaposition is merely position. I know, it’s tough to get your mind around that, but then you try to get your mind around air pressure, and your brain explodes. 

Meanwhile, DeflateGate apparently wasn’t enough; now, Boston is bracing for a major winter storm — as in a major blizzard. We’ll note that major storms generally mean a major low-pressure system. Coincidence? Hmmm.

No, it must be some kind of conspiracy.

One thing about conspiracies, though — people who live on grassy knolls shouldn’t throw dirt clods. 

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